Big Snots

It's funny because the name of the store is Big Lots, but I changed it to Big Snots. I'm so clever.

So as I was standing there, at Big Lots, marveling at the fact that I could pay a mere $1 for a one pound bag of pretzels, a thought occurred to me...had I been buying my pretzels at Big Lots all this time instead of the grocery store, I could have saved millions of dollars. A smaller bag (I think. I didn't check. But it looks smaller) of pretzels at Ralph's is $1.50. That's when it's on sale. Think of how many quarters I would be rolling around in right now. Painful. I imagine it's not as easy to swim in coins as Scrooge McDuck makes it look.

I also saw something else remarkable - this is before the Pretzels. I'm a bad story teller. Going all out of order and stuff...

When I was first meandering about in the store trying to get my bearings, I saw a display rack that was completely empty. And above that rack was a sign that said "Look what you could get for $1". And I laughed. I'm sure that Big Lots wasn't trying to make some grand statement by having empty shelves on the $1 rack (whatever was there was clearly just out of stock)...but I like to pretend they were. And I thought "you're right, Big Lots. You CAN'T get anything for a dollar nowadays. Not even chicklets. And they aren't worth the 12 cents they cost in 1990."

Of course, then I turned the corner and, along with my one dollar pretzels, I saw a slew of energy drinks for sixty cents. And the poetic display was suddenly nothing more than another lie. I wept. For hours. Until they asked me to leave the store. Then I went outside and wept in the parking lot. Then the cops came and told me I was loitering. I had to pay a $40 fine. It made me feel better because then it was like I had paid an extra $40 for my pretzels and energy drink. Therefore the prophecy had been fulfilled. I could not, in fact, get anything for a dollar.*

*story may be fabricated