The Playoffs

The NFL playoff system is flawed. The NCAA is even worse, but that's not what this about. I love Jay Cutler and the Denver Broncos as much as the next guy...in fact I'm a way better fan than people that live in Denver (i could write an entire blog on how much those guys suck) but this is ridiculous. The game isn't over so I have no idea who's actually going to the playoffs, but this Denver vs. San Diego game shouldn't matter. If Denver wins they're 9-7. If San Diego wins they're 8-8. Whoever wins goes to the playoffs. And why? Because they win the AFC West. A pathetic division in football. Meanwhile the New England Patriots are 11-5 and will miss the playoffs. Heck, if the Chargers win, the Jets will have a better record than them at 9-7 and will miss the playoffs. The point being, there shouldn't be an 8-8 team (I'm pretty confident that the Broncos will blow this game...though I wish they wouldn't. Philip Rivers is a douche) in the playoffs when there's an 11-5 team and 9-7 team sitting at home watching. Now you can make the argument that because they win their division, they deserve to be in the playoffs. And this has been the fatal flaw with the NFL. For years the NFC West has, by far, been the worst division in football. Every year it seems that an 8-8 or 9-7 team wins the division and makes it to the playoffs while much better teams are forced to stay home. I would recommend eliminating divisions all together. I mean, they don't make sense anyway. Why is St. Louis in the NFC WEST? St. Louis isn't exactly west. Even when there were only 3 divisions they should have been central. And I guess you could make the case that because they used to be in LA they should be west, but guess what...they're not in LA anymore. Oh, and news flash...Kansas City isn't west either. And they've always been an AFC West team. The point being, the divisions don't make sense and all they do is screw up the playoffs. So you just have the conferences...and sure that makes scheduling harder, but deal with it. I was going to do all sorts of research to find out who should actually be in the playoffs based on the best records in each division, but I'm lazy. The one thing I can tell you is that no one from the AFC West should be in the playoffs. The Patriots should be in. And I'm pretty sure the Cardinals would lose some tie-breaker along the way and some other NFC team should be in the playoffs. I used to think the playoff system was fine the way it was, but after this season (and, as previously mentioned, the consistent failure of the NFC West) I think it needs some work. So, you know, all you higher ups in the NFL that are reading this (I know you're searching the web for posts on Ryan Leaf) make the change. It needs to be done. Too many teams are being screwed out of playoff spots. It's lame. Just like you. In conclusion, if the Broncos don't win tonight, I will punch a baby.

I'm so hungry, I could really use a laptop

I don't claim to be the smartest man in the world, but I'm pretty sure you can't eat a laptop. There was a project a couple of years back that somebody was working on to get laptops into the hands of children in third world countries. The idea was to make a laptop that only cost $100 so that they could just hand 'em out and it would be cool. Back then I scoffed at the idea saying it was one of the most stupidest ideas I've ever heard. "Those kids don't want laptops" I said. "Those kids want food!"

Here we are years later and their dream has become a reality. They all can have laptops. Wait...what? That's right. Amazon apparently has this thing where you can buy a laptop for some third world country kid and you get a laptop for yourself. That's awesome. Now I'm not going to claim that I've actually bothered to read about the details of this whole program, but I can tell you just from concept alone that it is just as stupid as it was when I first read about it 2 years ago. I find it hard to believe that these kids are hankerin for a laptop. There's commercials on TV showing these underprivelaged kids from like Uganda with their laptops balanced on their head (I don't know how much more offensive you could be) and then they say to the camera "My laptop is wicked rad! Now I can learn stuff!" Ok. Number one, where are you getting your internet connection to learn stuff? Is Uganda a wireless country? Little known fact...number two, really? God, I'm so hungry...I could really use a laptop right now. Let me do a google image search for food (the picture above is the first result by the way)...oh man I'm so full from looking at pictures of food. Anybody else want to use my laptop to look at sweet pictures of food? It's so delicious. It's way better than actually eating. Thank you, Amazon, for providing me with my awesome new laptop.

I'm not sure why we made it a priority to get these kids laptops instead of spending that money on food. I mean, they never did get a hang of the $100 laptop which means that they're spending over $100 and according to Sally Struthers, you can feed a family of 12 for 3 cents a day. So instead of a laptop, you could have fed the entire country for the next decade. I'm just saying...misappropriated funds.

It all goes back to my central theme : People are stupid.

I never would have allowed this to happen. But since it's too late, is there any way I can convince these people to send ME a laptop? I'm pretty hungry right now...

Prop 8

Before I start, let me just say I was all about marrying dudes BEFORE the celebrities made it the new thing to care about. And yes, I worded it like that on purpose...obviously.

So I was really really pissed off when California went ahead and made gay marriage unconstitutional. I understand that there are people still stuck in 1837 and they fear that the gay community is going to eat their children and then poop them out in a rainbow...it's a rational concern...but this wasn't even really about gay marriage. As the wise "no on prop 8" commercials (unlike their uninformed stupid counterparts) pointed out, it was about protecting basic human rights. Remember that "all men are created equal" thing? I don't think there was an asterix there that, at the bottom of the page, went on to say *except for blacks, jews, gays, and really anyone that's not a rich white dude. I mean, I never read the document, so I don't know for sure it doesn't say that, but I have to believe it's not in there. Of course, us awesome Americans have been ignoring that phrase ever since it was written. So why stop now?

It just really infuriates me that people are still so unaccepting of anyone different than they are. I'm sure the same people that voted to ban gay marriage would have voted to bring back slavery and stick women back in the kitchen. I hate stupids.

And then I have to sit here on my couch and watch these damn Chevron (i think it's them) commercials telling me how America looks to California for the future. Well, I hate to tell you, Chevron, but California just met up with Doc Brown and they're going on a magical penis ride back to the 50s. And I have a feeling they won't be kissing their mom this time. Ok, that last part didn't really help my amazing imagary...but you get the point.

For the record, Massachussetts is cooler than California. And I think you know why. (hint: it's not just the snow)

Trade a baby for a skateboard

Kristen just left not too long ago. And I gotta tell you, it was the best sex of my life. And by sex I mean not sex. We went out to dinner. We played chutes and ladders (which she won) and then we hung out and talked nonsense. It was magical. Her eyes, her teeth, and...dammit...I can't remember the third thing she said that I was gonna write down. This is why blogging only works immediately after events happen. And when the TV isn't on. But the moral of the story is Kristen and I shared a magical evening and are having a baby. I could explain that statement...but I won't. Just know that she's rad. And I'm rad. And our mysterious baby, which will actually only be my baby, will be rad. My face hurts from all the smiling and laughing. Good times. That's really all I have to say. In the near future there is a possibility that I will blog on my anger towards California and Prop 8. But I get easily distracted, so don't count on it.

Burn After Reading

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

If you have any intention of seeing "Burn After Reading" I recommend you stop reading this immediately because I will ruin the movie for you. And then you will cry.

So anyway, I went and saw "Burn After Reading" yesterday. And for the most part it was an enjoyable experience. Brad Pitt was great...actually pretty much everyone was great. And the story was out there and crazy and all zany and stuff. It was wild. But here's the problem I have. They set the whole thing up as this zany comedy and all this wild stuff is going on and you're having a good laugh, and then George Clooney shoots Brad Pitt in the head. Just BLAM! and blood all over the wall and...well needless to say there was nothing funny about that. Not only did they kill the best character, but they did it in a very violent and disgusting matter. And if you're going to set up a movie as such a crazy comedy, you can't just randomly throw in something so serious and graphic an hour into the film. Of course, then they go right back to trying to convince you that it's still a light comedy. But at that point they had lost me. Their desperate attempts to win me back almost started working...and then John Malkovich (who I love no matter what he's doing) goes ahead and chops the shit out of the gym manager with an ax. Of course, then they try to wrap it up like "Oh this was all funny the entire time! Look at how zany it was!" And I'm just sitting there thinking...well yeah...the first hour was fine...but in case you forgot, brutal murders aren't exactly hilarious. It's one thing to kill somebody in a comedy a la "Dumb and Dumber" where it's something completely stupid. But to have an action/drama/horror movie murder or two smack in the middle of an otherwise lighter comedy...it didn't make sense to me and just really killed the entire vibe. So I was left unsettled as I departed, but still managed to like the movie mostly. 67% of it to be exact. And that's a passing grade.

People Are Annoying

I love that we live in a world country where everyone is so accepting of other people's opinions and instead of calling people with other trains of thought idiots we lovingly embrace and try to understand their outlook. Now, the reason I bring this up is an extremely small, perhaps meaningless thing, but it obviously applies to much more important subjects. I have a tendency to read news, both sports and otherwise, on msn. And msn has been nice enough to allow people to comment on news stories. And not once have I read a story where the comments were constructive or intelligent. If you want to argue the point made in the article, fine. But do you really have to sound like a neanderthal while doing it? There are better ways to tell someone you disagree with them than "You're a f***head. Go suck your mom's a**." For one, it doesn't even address why you disagree with the person. And for another...that's just gross. I beg of this retarded country to start making more intelligent arguments. And maybe even trying to be a little more open minded and try to listen what other people are saying instead of just reading the headline of the article. "Are Apples Bad For You?" Aaand done reading. I'm going to post my comment now. "Hey jerk. You call yourself a journalist? What kind of a**hole thinks apples are bad for people? My grandfather is an apple farmer you insensitive prick!"

Yeah. I really don't like people. If you had the attention span to continue down the article you would see scientific evidence and actual research and all that nonsense. But no. The headline is good enough for you to be a jerk. I'm not saying this was an actual story, of course. Because, how could apples be bad for you? Unless you choke on them I'm not sure they can be. Well, I guess if you were allergic. But then why would you be eating apples? That's just dumb.

Well Well Well

I feel it is necessary to help promote my good friend Paul Freeman's new album which will be in stores sometime. Lord only knows when. You can get his first single in the iTunes store right now, but I think you should wait for the full album because it's totally going to be worth it. He's Welsh just like me and he's got catchy freakin songs. So you're totally going to love it. And if you don't, that means you are stupid. But anyway, here's his little video that he's got going on right now to get people acquainted with him. Enjoy.

A Lesson For The Kids

The Youth Baseball League of New Haven, Conn., has banned a
9-year-old from pitching. Jericho Scott throws almost 40 mph, a speed deemed too dangerous for other 8- to 10-year-olds to step in against. Though Jericho had yet to hit a batter as his team opened the season 8-0, his coach was told the boy must play some other position or the team would be disbanded.

-Kevin Hench, FoxSports.com

Ah, people. My favorite...uh...people. I actually read the original article a couple of days ago and thought it was completely ridiculous. I thought there's no way they are banning a kid from baseball and threatening to eliminate the existence of his team if he ever plays again. There's just no way anyone could ever do that. And I was wrong. The coach put the kid back on the mound 2 days after being told he could never pitch again and the opposing team subsequently forfeited. Fantastic. Of course, then the coach resigned, and needless to say there's a big stink about it now. I think it's pretty important that they show this kid who's boss though. If you just let him participate in extra curricular activities his whole life, how's he ever going to learn his way on the streets? The crips and bloods (all over New Haven, by the way) are gonna need some youngsters to groom. If this kid is out there playing baseball, how's he ever gonna cut someone up? Ridiculous! Anyway, shouldn't we be nurturing the youth that can excel at something rather than telling them they are too good and therefore aren't allowed to participate? If it's really that big of an issue why not just send him to play with the older kids? Why do they need to force him out of baseball? Well technically they aren't forcing him out. He does have the option of playing a different position. You know, one where he won't be better than everyone else. That would actually be pretty cool if pro sports started doing that. "Sorry Peyton Manning. You're just too good of a Quarterback. Either move to defensive end or the Indianapolis Colts will be broken up and dispersed among the rest of the teams in the league." Awesome. Peyton Manning would be a terrible defensive end, by the way. I did a simulation in my head (which is 10 times more accurate than any computer simulation) and the end result was that he died. But not before sacking Eli. Because Eli is terrible. Oh sure, he won a super bowl. But can he play defensive end like Peyton? I think not. Maybe HE should pitch in the New Haven Youth Baseball League. He's pretty darn average.

Faaaaaantastic

In case anyone was wondering why I hate people, this is a prime example. Gas prices have just recently been officially labeled as "too high" because Mr. Poor Rich Celebrity With His Own Private Jet (name has been changed to protect identity) has to fly coach on American Airlines. Hey douchebag, I can't even afford a ticket on American Airlines. I have to fly Southwest and hope that I print my ticket in time to get a seat. I stress about paying more than $5 for lunch. But no no. You're right. We should be concerned about the fact that you can't fly in your private jet anymore because gas prices are just too high. Oh by the way, it was very nice of you to ask all the countries with oil to send it to you. Very thoughtful of you. Way to look out for everyone else. Douche.

The Greatest Game Ever Played

I'm not saying that Little League Baseball - Championship Series for the original Nintendo is the greatest game in the world...ok...yes I am. And therefore, I am the greatest champion in the world. Forget Michael Phelps, Misty May, and all those other hacks. Pictured above is a moment of glory in both California history and Derekornia history. I won the little league world series in extra innings with a dramatic walk off homerun. Does this being my second greatest accomplishment of all time make me a pathetic loser? No. But the fact that my number one greatest accomplishment is that I did it again with Canada probably does.

England + France = Texas?

I've never been all that great at math, except for when I was...but I think I know when a formula is complete crap. I got to thinking about all the accents there are in America. The annoying Bahston accent, the sexy southern accents, the oh so erotic...um...Chicago accent...hmm...the point being there's a lot of different ways people talk over her in the ol' US. The thing that confuses me about it is America was all populated by Spaniards and Frenchman and the British and so on. So what combination of those people adds up to a southern accent? I seriously doubt if a brit and a mexican had a baby and raised it in france it would come out sounding like a Texan. It makes no sense to me. At some point someone somewhere made a conscious decision to start talking like a dumbass. Don't get me wrong, southern accents are hot for chicks...but guys just sound ignorant and annoying. But it's obviously not just the southern accents. Boston. Don't even get me started on them. Where do you get THAT abortion of an accent from? I know we were all trying to separate ourselves from the British after that whole war thing...but what the hell is that? I want to meet the idiots that decided to start talking like that and punch them in the throat. But aside from my annoyance at having to listen to people talk, it all goes back to how in the world did these accents come about? It really had to be just some guy waking up one morning and saying "I'm going to start talking with a southern accent." I mean, obviously he didn't call it a southern accent, but you get the idea. Although come to think of it how on earth did the rest of the world come by their accents? At what point in the bible does it say "and then all the children of the world (who by the way are all descendants of the same two people...poor planning on someone's part) explored the other areas of the world and start talking like a bunch of jerkoffs." I'm guessing it's not in there. Just like the dinosaurs aren't in there. The bible is just riddled with inaccuracies. I've seen the flintstones. I know what life was REALLY like.

I sort of went off on a tangent there, but on a related topic (not to the bible or dinosaurs...related to my original point) what's the deal with us being the only country that doesn't use the metric system. It's not wonder the rest of the world hates us. Again, I understand we wanted to be independent from Britain, but making up a measurement system that no one else is ever going to use really seemed like a bad idea. It just confuses everyone. And then we expect everyone to adjust to us and speak in inches and feet. Why? What gives us the right to demand that everyone use our system of measurement when we invented it later and when everyone else already uses the other system. Gah! We're just so stupid! Plus it's made life very hard on me. I have no idea how long a meter is. I think it's like three inches less than a yard or something...but it comes up a lot in conversation...or in the olympics...which, by the way, are mostly boring...especially rowing...wow...look at those boats row. Yup. There they go...for 20 minutes...sweet...

It's True Love

It is official. According to the astrology section of msn.com, Jennifer Love Hewitt and I are a perfect match. If you don't believe me, just look at this undeniable evidence:





Now, granted it showed the same awesome "call the firehouse" graphic and little blurb about smooching in a nook for Drew Barrymore and Jessica Biel, but I clicked on Jennifer Love Hewitt first so it's clearly meant to be.