I'm a Mac and You're an Idiot

At this point in your life, you should be familiar with the ad war Macs and "PC"s (or Windows based PCs if you want to get technical as a mac is also a PC - PC means personal computer for those of you that are saying "macs aren't pcs stupid!". who's stupid now? Oh. it's you.)

If you are not familiar with the current Windows ads, you're missing out. Go to youtube and look some up. I'll wait....

Are you back? Fantastic. The idea is these people, presumably working for Microsoft, will give you your money back if you find a computer that suits your needs for under $2000. The first stop is always the Apple store. And the person looking says some stupid thing about macs like "to me, macs are more about aesthetics than they are computing power". And then the people at home say "he's right. they look nice but since it's on TV, they must not run very fast". False. The fact of the matter is that since the early days of man, Macs have used their processing power and memory in a more efficient manner than Windows based PCs ever have. So when the TV says "oh the mac only comes with 2GB of ram. this HP has 4 gigs." you can pretty much ignore them. In case you were wondering, Windows Vista is such a clunky operating system that the minimum requirements for running most any program on it is 1.5GB of ram. On Windows XP you can run the same program just as fast with 768mb of ram. Wait a minute...doesn't that mean Vista is twice as slow? Yes. However, this isn't an XP vs. Vista blog. So I digress.

I've worked in the music business. Professional level studio as you probably know since I imagine only people I know read this...and I'm making my way over to film. And let me tell you something. At no point do they ever say "Gee, I wish I had a PC instead of this awesome mac!" And do you know why? Because macs were built with the entertainment industry in mind. Whether it be graphics, film, music...whatever. They were thinking of us. And that's why the "macs are more about aesthetics than computing power" theory doesn't hold up.

I'll tell you another secret. I'm on a PC right now. I run pro tools on a PC with 4gb of ram. When I was running it on Vista, it crashed every five minutes. Now that I'm back to XP, it runs much smoother, but it still has moments where it can barely stand to playback basic audio. It's just how the two machines are constructed. Macs are scientifically better and faster. You can't argue that. PCs have been the dominant force for so long that people are willing to go along with it.

You can find yourself an HP for under $2000 and we'll see how happy you are with the results. Not only are you buying yourself a death trap with Windows Vista (because XP is no longer an option. Because Microsoft got smart and said "hey. we screwed this operating system up. but if it's the only option, I bet we'll sell a lot more copies!") but it's a friggen HP computer. Just give me the $2000 and I'll give you a nice paperweight. Or I could build you that amazing computer you want for half of what it would cost you in a store and I'll keep the rest for myself. Either way I make a nice profit. Then I'll go out and buy myself a new mac with your money. And in a year when you come back to me to build you a new computer I'll show you my sweet mac that is still running like the day I bought it. Oh and did I mention it's virus free? How's the PC treating you?

The moral of the story is, don't listen to your TV. I own both versions of the Personal Computer, I've worked on a professional level with both versions...and I'm here to tell you that a Mac is better on so many levels. The people that make those commercials don't know what they're talking about. Well, they do know what they're talking about because they're paid by Microsoft...so they kind of are contractually obligated to tell you that PCs are better than Macs. I used to swear I would never be a Mac guy. I thought they were stupid. Now who's stupid? Oh it's you because you have an HP. SNAP!!!

Can I just add something completely unrelated? Of course I can. It's my blog! I just ran a spell check and about half a dozen words came up as being mispelled. When I went to correct the spelling, the suggestion was exactly what I had spelled. To verify, I clicked on the recommendation and watched as the word I spelled did not change. Congratulations, Blogger.com, you have just added yourself to my list of stupid entities.

Hmmm....

All these places of business always say "No shirt, no shoes, no service". If I walk in in a t-shirt and shoes with no pants on...will they serve me?

This took me two months

I just saw an ad on Facebook asking me if I liked wet dreams. They have a pill for that now? Wow. Just...wow....

Yup. You (aka no one) waited two months for a new post and this is what you get.

Big Snots

It's funny because the name of the store is Big Lots, but I changed it to Big Snots. I'm so clever.

So as I was standing there, at Big Lots, marveling at the fact that I could pay a mere $1 for a one pound bag of pretzels, a thought occurred to me...had I been buying my pretzels at Big Lots all this time instead of the grocery store, I could have saved millions of dollars. A smaller bag (I think. I didn't check. But it looks smaller) of pretzels at Ralph's is $1.50. That's when it's on sale. Think of how many quarters I would be rolling around in right now. Painful. I imagine it's not as easy to swim in coins as Scrooge McDuck makes it look.

I also saw something else remarkable - this is before the Pretzels. I'm a bad story teller. Going all out of order and stuff...

When I was first meandering about in the store trying to get my bearings, I saw a display rack that was completely empty. And above that rack was a sign that said "Look what you could get for $1". And I laughed. I'm sure that Big Lots wasn't trying to make some grand statement by having empty shelves on the $1 rack (whatever was there was clearly just out of stock)...but I like to pretend they were. And I thought "you're right, Big Lots. You CAN'T get anything for a dollar nowadays. Not even chicklets. And they aren't worth the 12 cents they cost in 1990."

Of course, then I turned the corner and, along with my one dollar pretzels, I saw a slew of energy drinks for sixty cents. And the poetic display was suddenly nothing more than another lie. I wept. For hours. Until they asked me to leave the store. Then I went outside and wept in the parking lot. Then the cops came and told me I was loitering. I had to pay a $40 fine. It made me feel better because then it was like I had paid an extra $40 for my pretzels and energy drink. Therefore the prophecy had been fulfilled. I could not, in fact, get anything for a dollar.*

*story may be fabricated

Manny Ramirez, Meet My Fist

Manny Ramirez, world class douche, turned down a one year $25 million contract offer from the Dodgers. Part of the reason is because he wants a multi-year deal...but then it's mostly money...because they already offered him a 3-year/$60million deal. And Lord knows in today's economy, $20million a year just isn't enough to live on. I can see why he turned it down.

It must be nice to be in a position where you can turn down $25million to do your job 30% of the time. What exactly do baseball players do to deserve that much money? It's ridiculous! I mean, all of professional sports has gotten out of hand with the pay days, but baseball is the worst offender. $25million for a year of playing a game? Really? Half the time they're sitting on a bench or picking grass in the outfield. I can do that! And I won't turn down a $25million offer either! So, you know, Dodgers...go ahead and give me a call. Granted, I won't be able to pull off the hitting the ball 30% of the time thing...unless they pitch underhand...if we can arrange that, we're all set. Maybe I could be a pinch runner. I'll take a pay cut.

People like Manny Ramirez need to be slapped across the face with a trout. Lazy, greedy, egomaniacal bastards. That's all they are. Jerks.

Darn. I hate when I stay on topic the entire time...

Driving Down the 101

I would never drive down the 101 if I could avoid it. Sorry if that's a confusing title. This is, however, about driving. Some guy gave me the lookaway finger last week. And it really bothered me. I was driving home from work and the lanes merged, without warning (because California doesn't believe in posting signs for important things), and so I had to slow down so as not to hit the dude. It wasn't anything drastic. I never even came that close to actually making contact and he continued driving at the exact same speed he had been going and I did not affect his route at all. Then as we parted ways, I looked out my window to see him giving me the finger. But he wouldn't look in my direction. Number one, I didn't do anything wrong. If anyone should get the finger it's California. Number two, if you're going to give me the finger, have the courage to stand behind it. Don't be a complete pansy about it. I'm not going to shoot you. Hell, I didn't even give him a rude gesture back. Unless you count enthusiastic waving as rude. I guess since I was mocking him it was rude. But he didn't even look at me to see it. And it really ruined my day. It's stupid, I know. But little things like that annoy me. The moral of the story is, if you're ever driving next to me and feel the need to flip me off, have the decency to look me in the eye when you do it. Pansy.

Which leads me to something else very important. I'm about to compile a list of things that irritate me about driving. It's in no particular order. And it's probably going to be incomplete and I'll give myself the finger for leaving stuff out when I think of it later. But here we go...

• People that drive in the evening/night without lights on. It's not just a danger to everyone around you, but how can you even see?
• People that take a left hand turn after the light has turned red when they're not even in the middle of the intersection. If you read the California driving hand book, you'll see that you're not even supposed to enter the intersection unless you see a space in which to turn...but since I think that's stupid and you'd never get to make a turn, I'll let that much slide. But when you're behind the crosswalk, the light turns red, and you still think you get to go...nuh uh. Eff you.
• Driving 5 mph and more under the speed limit. I get it. You like to drive slow. Get the heck out of my way. You're not supposed to go over the speed limit, you shouldn't be allowed to go that far under it either.
• Doing that same thing in the left lane. It's the passing lane. If you're not passing, don't drive there.
• People that speed up when you try to pass them. So many times, a jerk will be going too slow in the passing lane, so I will reluctantly switch lanes to get around them. And no sooner do I do that that they decide to speed up. Don't toy with me, junior.
• People that honk their horns for any reason other than impending doom. If you're not about to die, don't pollute the air with your incessant noise. It doesn't make anything go faster. Ever.
• People that refuse to merge until the last possible second even though there's 3 miles worth of "right lane ends. merge" signs.
• People that refuse to let you merge so you end up being one of the people above.
• It's called a turn signal. Use it.
• It's called a turn signal. Turn it off. (that's what that loud clicking is that, for some reason, won't stop no matter how loud you make your music)
• People that cut you off and immediately slam on their brakes.
• People that cut you off at 3 mph.
• People that parallel park leaving just enough space between them and the car in front of them so that you can't fit in.
• When the above happens down an entire street adding up to dozens of potential parking spaces wasted.
• Californians driving in the rain. You do NOT need to go 20mph in a 50mph zone.
• People that stop on crosswalks rather than before them.
• People that don't turn on their lights when it's raining. You know it's the law to have them on when you are using your windshield wipers, right? (not that that would EVER be enforced)
• People that slam on their brakes when they see brake lights 2 miles ahead.
• People that ride their brakes around corners.
• Intermittent brakers.
• People that take 20mph off their speed to go down a hill. You're allowed to brake. But not that much. It's not as safe as you might think. Particularly for the people driving behind you.
• People that honk their horn (yes I know I already said for everything except dying) half a second after the light turns green if you haven't moved.
• People that take 5+ seconds to react to a green light.
• People with blinders on. There's more to the road than what's directly in front of you.
• Speaking of which...people that don't yield to pedestrians (not the ones that randomly cross in the middle of the street whenever they feel like it. they deserve to get hit. I mean the ones in the crosswalk at the appropriate times).
• People that break as many traffic laws as possible and never get pulled over.

There you go. That's all I can think of at the moment. I think of a lot when I'm driving every day because people in California like to remind me every day just how terrible driving can be. Thanks guys!

The Playoffs

The NFL playoff system is flawed. The NCAA is even worse, but that's not what this about. I love Jay Cutler and the Denver Broncos as much as the next guy...in fact I'm a way better fan than people that live in Denver (i could write an entire blog on how much those guys suck) but this is ridiculous. The game isn't over so I have no idea who's actually going to the playoffs, but this Denver vs. San Diego game shouldn't matter. If Denver wins they're 9-7. If San Diego wins they're 8-8. Whoever wins goes to the playoffs. And why? Because they win the AFC West. A pathetic division in football. Meanwhile the New England Patriots are 11-5 and will miss the playoffs. Heck, if the Chargers win, the Jets will have a better record than them at 9-7 and will miss the playoffs. The point being, there shouldn't be an 8-8 team (I'm pretty confident that the Broncos will blow this game...though I wish they wouldn't. Philip Rivers is a douche) in the playoffs when there's an 11-5 team and 9-7 team sitting at home watching. Now you can make the argument that because they win their division, they deserve to be in the playoffs. And this has been the fatal flaw with the NFL. For years the NFC West has, by far, been the worst division in football. Every year it seems that an 8-8 or 9-7 team wins the division and makes it to the playoffs while much better teams are forced to stay home. I would recommend eliminating divisions all together. I mean, they don't make sense anyway. Why is St. Louis in the NFC WEST? St. Louis isn't exactly west. Even when there were only 3 divisions they should have been central. And I guess you could make the case that because they used to be in LA they should be west, but guess what...they're not in LA anymore. Oh, and news flash...Kansas City isn't west either. And they've always been an AFC West team. The point being, the divisions don't make sense and all they do is screw up the playoffs. So you just have the conferences...and sure that makes scheduling harder, but deal with it. I was going to do all sorts of research to find out who should actually be in the playoffs based on the best records in each division, but I'm lazy. The one thing I can tell you is that no one from the AFC West should be in the playoffs. The Patriots should be in. And I'm pretty sure the Cardinals would lose some tie-breaker along the way and some other NFC team should be in the playoffs. I used to think the playoff system was fine the way it was, but after this season (and, as previously mentioned, the consistent failure of the NFC West) I think it needs some work. So, you know, all you higher ups in the NFL that are reading this (I know you're searching the web for posts on Ryan Leaf) make the change. It needs to be done. Too many teams are being screwed out of playoff spots. It's lame. Just like you. In conclusion, if the Broncos don't win tonight, I will punch a baby.

I'm so hungry, I could really use a laptop

I don't claim to be the smartest man in the world, but I'm pretty sure you can't eat a laptop. There was a project a couple of years back that somebody was working on to get laptops into the hands of children in third world countries. The idea was to make a laptop that only cost $100 so that they could just hand 'em out and it would be cool. Back then I scoffed at the idea saying it was one of the most stupidest ideas I've ever heard. "Those kids don't want laptops" I said. "Those kids want food!"

Here we are years later and their dream has become a reality. They all can have laptops. Wait...what? That's right. Amazon apparently has this thing where you can buy a laptop for some third world country kid and you get a laptop for yourself. That's awesome. Now I'm not going to claim that I've actually bothered to read about the details of this whole program, but I can tell you just from concept alone that it is just as stupid as it was when I first read about it 2 years ago. I find it hard to believe that these kids are hankerin for a laptop. There's commercials on TV showing these underprivelaged kids from like Uganda with their laptops balanced on their head (I don't know how much more offensive you could be) and then they say to the camera "My laptop is wicked rad! Now I can learn stuff!" Ok. Number one, where are you getting your internet connection to learn stuff? Is Uganda a wireless country? Little known fact...number two, really? God, I'm so hungry...I could really use a laptop right now. Let me do a google image search for food (the picture above is the first result by the way)...oh man I'm so full from looking at pictures of food. Anybody else want to use my laptop to look at sweet pictures of food? It's so delicious. It's way better than actually eating. Thank you, Amazon, for providing me with my awesome new laptop.

I'm not sure why we made it a priority to get these kids laptops instead of spending that money on food. I mean, they never did get a hang of the $100 laptop which means that they're spending over $100 and according to Sally Struthers, you can feed a family of 12 for 3 cents a day. So instead of a laptop, you could have fed the entire country for the next decade. I'm just saying...misappropriated funds.

It all goes back to my central theme : People are stupid.

I never would have allowed this to happen. But since it's too late, is there any way I can convince these people to send ME a laptop? I'm pretty hungry right now...

Prop 8

Before I start, let me just say I was all about marrying dudes BEFORE the celebrities made it the new thing to care about. And yes, I worded it like that on purpose...obviously.

So I was really really pissed off when California went ahead and made gay marriage unconstitutional. I understand that there are people still stuck in 1837 and they fear that the gay community is going to eat their children and then poop them out in a rainbow...it's a rational concern...but this wasn't even really about gay marriage. As the wise "no on prop 8" commercials (unlike their uninformed stupid counterparts) pointed out, it was about protecting basic human rights. Remember that "all men are created equal" thing? I don't think there was an asterix there that, at the bottom of the page, went on to say *except for blacks, jews, gays, and really anyone that's not a rich white dude. I mean, I never read the document, so I don't know for sure it doesn't say that, but I have to believe it's not in there. Of course, us awesome Americans have been ignoring that phrase ever since it was written. So why stop now?

It just really infuriates me that people are still so unaccepting of anyone different than they are. I'm sure the same people that voted to ban gay marriage would have voted to bring back slavery and stick women back in the kitchen. I hate stupids.

And then I have to sit here on my couch and watch these damn Chevron (i think it's them) commercials telling me how America looks to California for the future. Well, I hate to tell you, Chevron, but California just met up with Doc Brown and they're going on a magical penis ride back to the 50s. And I have a feeling they won't be kissing their mom this time. Ok, that last part didn't really help my amazing imagary...but you get the point.

For the record, Massachussetts is cooler than California. And I think you know why. (hint: it's not just the snow)

Trade a baby for a skateboard

Kristen just left not too long ago. And I gotta tell you, it was the best sex of my life. And by sex I mean not sex. We went out to dinner. We played chutes and ladders (which she won) and then we hung out and talked nonsense. It was magical. Her eyes, her teeth, and...dammit...I can't remember the third thing she said that I was gonna write down. This is why blogging only works immediately after events happen. And when the TV isn't on. But the moral of the story is Kristen and I shared a magical evening and are having a baby. I could explain that statement...but I won't. Just know that she's rad. And I'm rad. And our mysterious baby, which will actually only be my baby, will be rad. My face hurts from all the smiling and laughing. Good times. That's really all I have to say. In the near future there is a possibility that I will blog on my anger towards California and Prop 8. But I get easily distracted, so don't count on it.