Manny Ramirez, Meet My Fist

Manny Ramirez, world class douche, turned down a one year $25 million contract offer from the Dodgers. Part of the reason is because he wants a multi-year deal...but then it's mostly money...because they already offered him a 3-year/$60million deal. And Lord knows in today's economy, $20million a year just isn't enough to live on. I can see why he turned it down.

It must be nice to be in a position where you can turn down $25million to do your job 30% of the time. What exactly do baseball players do to deserve that much money? It's ridiculous! I mean, all of professional sports has gotten out of hand with the pay days, but baseball is the worst offender. $25million for a year of playing a game? Really? Half the time they're sitting on a bench or picking grass in the outfield. I can do that! And I won't turn down a $25million offer either! So, you know, Dodgers...go ahead and give me a call. Granted, I won't be able to pull off the hitting the ball 30% of the time thing...unless they pitch underhand...if we can arrange that, we're all set. Maybe I could be a pinch runner. I'll take a pay cut.

People like Manny Ramirez need to be slapped across the face with a trout. Lazy, greedy, egomaniacal bastards. That's all they are. Jerks.

Darn. I hate when I stay on topic the entire time...

Driving Down the 101

I would never drive down the 101 if I could avoid it. Sorry if that's a confusing title. This is, however, about driving. Some guy gave me the lookaway finger last week. And it really bothered me. I was driving home from work and the lanes merged, without warning (because California doesn't believe in posting signs for important things), and so I had to slow down so as not to hit the dude. It wasn't anything drastic. I never even came that close to actually making contact and he continued driving at the exact same speed he had been going and I did not affect his route at all. Then as we parted ways, I looked out my window to see him giving me the finger. But he wouldn't look in my direction. Number one, I didn't do anything wrong. If anyone should get the finger it's California. Number two, if you're going to give me the finger, have the courage to stand behind it. Don't be a complete pansy about it. I'm not going to shoot you. Hell, I didn't even give him a rude gesture back. Unless you count enthusiastic waving as rude. I guess since I was mocking him it was rude. But he didn't even look at me to see it. And it really ruined my day. It's stupid, I know. But little things like that annoy me. The moral of the story is, if you're ever driving next to me and feel the need to flip me off, have the decency to look me in the eye when you do it. Pansy.

Which leads me to something else very important. I'm about to compile a list of things that irritate me about driving. It's in no particular order. And it's probably going to be incomplete and I'll give myself the finger for leaving stuff out when I think of it later. But here we go...

• People that drive in the evening/night without lights on. It's not just a danger to everyone around you, but how can you even see?
• People that take a left hand turn after the light has turned red when they're not even in the middle of the intersection. If you read the California driving hand book, you'll see that you're not even supposed to enter the intersection unless you see a space in which to turn...but since I think that's stupid and you'd never get to make a turn, I'll let that much slide. But when you're behind the crosswalk, the light turns red, and you still think you get to go...nuh uh. Eff you.
• Driving 5 mph and more under the speed limit. I get it. You like to drive slow. Get the heck out of my way. You're not supposed to go over the speed limit, you shouldn't be allowed to go that far under it either.
• Doing that same thing in the left lane. It's the passing lane. If you're not passing, don't drive there.
• People that speed up when you try to pass them. So many times, a jerk will be going too slow in the passing lane, so I will reluctantly switch lanes to get around them. And no sooner do I do that that they decide to speed up. Don't toy with me, junior.
• People that honk their horns for any reason other than impending doom. If you're not about to die, don't pollute the air with your incessant noise. It doesn't make anything go faster. Ever.
• People that refuse to merge until the last possible second even though there's 3 miles worth of "right lane ends. merge" signs.
• People that refuse to let you merge so you end up being one of the people above.
• It's called a turn signal. Use it.
• It's called a turn signal. Turn it off. (that's what that loud clicking is that, for some reason, won't stop no matter how loud you make your music)
• People that cut you off and immediately slam on their brakes.
• People that cut you off at 3 mph.
• People that parallel park leaving just enough space between them and the car in front of them so that you can't fit in.
• When the above happens down an entire street adding up to dozens of potential parking spaces wasted.
• Californians driving in the rain. You do NOT need to go 20mph in a 50mph zone.
• People that stop on crosswalks rather than before them.
• People that don't turn on their lights when it's raining. You know it's the law to have them on when you are using your windshield wipers, right? (not that that would EVER be enforced)
• People that slam on their brakes when they see brake lights 2 miles ahead.
• People that ride their brakes around corners.
• Intermittent brakers.
• People that take 20mph off their speed to go down a hill. You're allowed to brake. But not that much. It's not as safe as you might think. Particularly for the people driving behind you.
• People that honk their horn (yes I know I already said for everything except dying) half a second after the light turns green if you haven't moved.
• People that take 5+ seconds to react to a green light.
• People with blinders on. There's more to the road than what's directly in front of you.
• Speaking of which...people that don't yield to pedestrians (not the ones that randomly cross in the middle of the street whenever they feel like it. they deserve to get hit. I mean the ones in the crosswalk at the appropriate times).
• People that break as many traffic laws as possible and never get pulled over.

There you go. That's all I can think of at the moment. I think of a lot when I'm driving every day because people in California like to remind me every day just how terrible driving can be. Thanks guys!

The Playoffs

The NFL playoff system is flawed. The NCAA is even worse, but that's not what this about. I love Jay Cutler and the Denver Broncos as much as the next guy...in fact I'm a way better fan than people that live in Denver (i could write an entire blog on how much those guys suck) but this is ridiculous. The game isn't over so I have no idea who's actually going to the playoffs, but this Denver vs. San Diego game shouldn't matter. If Denver wins they're 9-7. If San Diego wins they're 8-8. Whoever wins goes to the playoffs. And why? Because they win the AFC West. A pathetic division in football. Meanwhile the New England Patriots are 11-5 and will miss the playoffs. Heck, if the Chargers win, the Jets will have a better record than them at 9-7 and will miss the playoffs. The point being, there shouldn't be an 8-8 team (I'm pretty confident that the Broncos will blow this game...though I wish they wouldn't. Philip Rivers is a douche) in the playoffs when there's an 11-5 team and 9-7 team sitting at home watching. Now you can make the argument that because they win their division, they deserve to be in the playoffs. And this has been the fatal flaw with the NFL. For years the NFC West has, by far, been the worst division in football. Every year it seems that an 8-8 or 9-7 team wins the division and makes it to the playoffs while much better teams are forced to stay home. I would recommend eliminating divisions all together. I mean, they don't make sense anyway. Why is St. Louis in the NFC WEST? St. Louis isn't exactly west. Even when there were only 3 divisions they should have been central. And I guess you could make the case that because they used to be in LA they should be west, but guess what...they're not in LA anymore. Oh, and news flash...Kansas City isn't west either. And they've always been an AFC West team. The point being, the divisions don't make sense and all they do is screw up the playoffs. So you just have the conferences...and sure that makes scheduling harder, but deal with it. I was going to do all sorts of research to find out who should actually be in the playoffs based on the best records in each division, but I'm lazy. The one thing I can tell you is that no one from the AFC West should be in the playoffs. The Patriots should be in. And I'm pretty sure the Cardinals would lose some tie-breaker along the way and some other NFC team should be in the playoffs. I used to think the playoff system was fine the way it was, but after this season (and, as previously mentioned, the consistent failure of the NFC West) I think it needs some work. So, you know, all you higher ups in the NFL that are reading this (I know you're searching the web for posts on Ryan Leaf) make the change. It needs to be done. Too many teams are being screwed out of playoff spots. It's lame. Just like you. In conclusion, if the Broncos don't win tonight, I will punch a baby.

I'm so hungry, I could really use a laptop

I don't claim to be the smartest man in the world, but I'm pretty sure you can't eat a laptop. There was a project a couple of years back that somebody was working on to get laptops into the hands of children in third world countries. The idea was to make a laptop that only cost $100 so that they could just hand 'em out and it would be cool. Back then I scoffed at the idea saying it was one of the most stupidest ideas I've ever heard. "Those kids don't want laptops" I said. "Those kids want food!"

Here we are years later and their dream has become a reality. They all can have laptops. Wait...what? That's right. Amazon apparently has this thing where you can buy a laptop for some third world country kid and you get a laptop for yourself. That's awesome. Now I'm not going to claim that I've actually bothered to read about the details of this whole program, but I can tell you just from concept alone that it is just as stupid as it was when I first read about it 2 years ago. I find it hard to believe that these kids are hankerin for a laptop. There's commercials on TV showing these underprivelaged kids from like Uganda with their laptops balanced on their head (I don't know how much more offensive you could be) and then they say to the camera "My laptop is wicked rad! Now I can learn stuff!" Ok. Number one, where are you getting your internet connection to learn stuff? Is Uganda a wireless country? Little known fact...number two, really? God, I'm so hungry...I could really use a laptop right now. Let me do a google image search for food (the picture above is the first result by the way)...oh man I'm so full from looking at pictures of food. Anybody else want to use my laptop to look at sweet pictures of food? It's so delicious. It's way better than actually eating. Thank you, Amazon, for providing me with my awesome new laptop.

I'm not sure why we made it a priority to get these kids laptops instead of spending that money on food. I mean, they never did get a hang of the $100 laptop which means that they're spending over $100 and according to Sally Struthers, you can feed a family of 12 for 3 cents a day. So instead of a laptop, you could have fed the entire country for the next decade. I'm just saying...misappropriated funds.

It all goes back to my central theme : People are stupid.

I never would have allowed this to happen. But since it's too late, is there any way I can convince these people to send ME a laptop? I'm pretty hungry right now...

Prop 8

Before I start, let me just say I was all about marrying dudes BEFORE the celebrities made it the new thing to care about. And yes, I worded it like that on purpose...obviously.

So I was really really pissed off when California went ahead and made gay marriage unconstitutional. I understand that there are people still stuck in 1837 and they fear that the gay community is going to eat their children and then poop them out in a rainbow...it's a rational concern...but this wasn't even really about gay marriage. As the wise "no on prop 8" commercials (unlike their uninformed stupid counterparts) pointed out, it was about protecting basic human rights. Remember that "all men are created equal" thing? I don't think there was an asterix there that, at the bottom of the page, went on to say *except for blacks, jews, gays, and really anyone that's not a rich white dude. I mean, I never read the document, so I don't know for sure it doesn't say that, but I have to believe it's not in there. Of course, us awesome Americans have been ignoring that phrase ever since it was written. So why stop now?

It just really infuriates me that people are still so unaccepting of anyone different than they are. I'm sure the same people that voted to ban gay marriage would have voted to bring back slavery and stick women back in the kitchen. I hate stupids.

And then I have to sit here on my couch and watch these damn Chevron (i think it's them) commercials telling me how America looks to California for the future. Well, I hate to tell you, Chevron, but California just met up with Doc Brown and they're going on a magical penis ride back to the 50s. And I have a feeling they won't be kissing their mom this time. Ok, that last part didn't really help my amazing imagary...but you get the point.

For the record, Massachussetts is cooler than California. And I think you know why. (hint: it's not just the snow)

Trade a baby for a skateboard

Kristen just left not too long ago. And I gotta tell you, it was the best sex of my life. And by sex I mean not sex. We went out to dinner. We played chutes and ladders (which she won) and then we hung out and talked nonsense. It was magical. Her eyes, her teeth, and...dammit...I can't remember the third thing she said that I was gonna write down. This is why blogging only works immediately after events happen. And when the TV isn't on. But the moral of the story is Kristen and I shared a magical evening and are having a baby. I could explain that statement...but I won't. Just know that she's rad. And I'm rad. And our mysterious baby, which will actually only be my baby, will be rad. My face hurts from all the smiling and laughing. Good times. That's really all I have to say. In the near future there is a possibility that I will blog on my anger towards California and Prop 8. But I get easily distracted, so don't count on it.

Burn After Reading

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

If you have any intention of seeing "Burn After Reading" I recommend you stop reading this immediately because I will ruin the movie for you. And then you will cry.

So anyway, I went and saw "Burn After Reading" yesterday. And for the most part it was an enjoyable experience. Brad Pitt was great...actually pretty much everyone was great. And the story was out there and crazy and all zany and stuff. It was wild. But here's the problem I have. They set the whole thing up as this zany comedy and all this wild stuff is going on and you're having a good laugh, and then George Clooney shoots Brad Pitt in the head. Just BLAM! and blood all over the wall and...well needless to say there was nothing funny about that. Not only did they kill the best character, but they did it in a very violent and disgusting matter. And if you're going to set up a movie as such a crazy comedy, you can't just randomly throw in something so serious and graphic an hour into the film. Of course, then they go right back to trying to convince you that it's still a light comedy. But at that point they had lost me. Their desperate attempts to win me back almost started working...and then John Malkovich (who I love no matter what he's doing) goes ahead and chops the shit out of the gym manager with an ax. Of course, then they try to wrap it up like "Oh this was all funny the entire time! Look at how zany it was!" And I'm just sitting there thinking...well yeah...the first hour was fine...but in case you forgot, brutal murders aren't exactly hilarious. It's one thing to kill somebody in a comedy a la "Dumb and Dumber" where it's something completely stupid. But to have an action/drama/horror movie murder or two smack in the middle of an otherwise lighter comedy...it didn't make sense to me and just really killed the entire vibe. So I was left unsettled as I departed, but still managed to like the movie mostly. 67% of it to be exact. And that's a passing grade.

People Are Annoying

I love that we live in a world country where everyone is so accepting of other people's opinions and instead of calling people with other trains of thought idiots we lovingly embrace and try to understand their outlook. Now, the reason I bring this up is an extremely small, perhaps meaningless thing, but it obviously applies to much more important subjects. I have a tendency to read news, both sports and otherwise, on msn. And msn has been nice enough to allow people to comment on news stories. And not once have I read a story where the comments were constructive or intelligent. If you want to argue the point made in the article, fine. But do you really have to sound like a neanderthal while doing it? There are better ways to tell someone you disagree with them than "You're a f***head. Go suck your mom's a**." For one, it doesn't even address why you disagree with the person. And for another...that's just gross. I beg of this retarded country to start making more intelligent arguments. And maybe even trying to be a little more open minded and try to listen what other people are saying instead of just reading the headline of the article. "Are Apples Bad For You?" Aaand done reading. I'm going to post my comment now. "Hey jerk. You call yourself a journalist? What kind of a**hole thinks apples are bad for people? My grandfather is an apple farmer you insensitive prick!"

Yeah. I really don't like people. If you had the attention span to continue down the article you would see scientific evidence and actual research and all that nonsense. But no. The headline is good enough for you to be a jerk. I'm not saying this was an actual story, of course. Because, how could apples be bad for you? Unless you choke on them I'm not sure they can be. Well, I guess if you were allergic. But then why would you be eating apples? That's just dumb.

Well Well Well

I feel it is necessary to help promote my good friend Paul Freeman's new album which will be in stores sometime. Lord only knows when. You can get his first single in the iTunes store right now, but I think you should wait for the full album because it's totally going to be worth it. He's Welsh just like me and he's got catchy freakin songs. So you're totally going to love it. And if you don't, that means you are stupid. But anyway, here's his little video that he's got going on right now to get people acquainted with him. Enjoy.

A Lesson For The Kids

The Youth Baseball League of New Haven, Conn., has banned a
9-year-old from pitching. Jericho Scott throws almost 40 mph, a speed deemed too dangerous for other 8- to 10-year-olds to step in against. Though Jericho had yet to hit a batter as his team opened the season 8-0, his coach was told the boy must play some other position or the team would be disbanded.

-Kevin Hench, FoxSports.com

Ah, people. My favorite...uh...people. I actually read the original article a couple of days ago and thought it was completely ridiculous. I thought there's no way they are banning a kid from baseball and threatening to eliminate the existence of his team if he ever plays again. There's just no way anyone could ever do that. And I was wrong. The coach put the kid back on the mound 2 days after being told he could never pitch again and the opposing team subsequently forfeited. Fantastic. Of course, then the coach resigned, and needless to say there's a big stink about it now. I think it's pretty important that they show this kid who's boss though. If you just let him participate in extra curricular activities his whole life, how's he ever going to learn his way on the streets? The crips and bloods (all over New Haven, by the way) are gonna need some youngsters to groom. If this kid is out there playing baseball, how's he ever gonna cut someone up? Ridiculous! Anyway, shouldn't we be nurturing the youth that can excel at something rather than telling them they are too good and therefore aren't allowed to participate? If it's really that big of an issue why not just send him to play with the older kids? Why do they need to force him out of baseball? Well technically they aren't forcing him out. He does have the option of playing a different position. You know, one where he won't be better than everyone else. That would actually be pretty cool if pro sports started doing that. "Sorry Peyton Manning. You're just too good of a Quarterback. Either move to defensive end or the Indianapolis Colts will be broken up and dispersed among the rest of the teams in the league." Awesome. Peyton Manning would be a terrible defensive end, by the way. I did a simulation in my head (which is 10 times more accurate than any computer simulation) and the end result was that he died. But not before sacking Eli. Because Eli is terrible. Oh sure, he won a super bowl. But can he play defensive end like Peyton? I think not. Maybe HE should pitch in the New Haven Youth Baseball League. He's pretty darn average.